Guilt with a side of more guilt…..

I am not sure if anyone can relate to me but I just have to say that my least favourite emotion is guilt. It also seems to be the one that I feel the most often these days.

As a mom, I am constantly feeling guilty about whether or not I am doing enough for my daughter. Am I present enough? Am I home enough? Am I happy enough? Am I feeding her healthy enough? Am I doing enough for her? Am I doing too much? And if I determine that I am not fulfilling my role as well as I should or could be, in comes the guilt. As a teacher, I have similar feelings. Am I working hard enough? Am I advocating enough? Am I doing enough professional development? Am I communicating with parents enough? If I think I am not fulfilling my duties perfectly…. guilt.

Then there is the guilt that comes from seeking to find balance. If I stay late at work every day, I feel guilty for not being present enough for my daughter. If I leave work at a reasonable time, I feel guilty that I am not putting in enough time to catch up (because goodness knows there is no such thing as being on top of paperwork/marking). THEN, add the current “Continuity of Learning” situation into the mix due to Covid-19 and the guilt is OFF THE CHARTS.

Don’t get me wrong. I am very fortunate right now that I did not lose my job and that I am safe at home with my girl. I am also enjoying the slower pace of life with no commuting and no rushing from obligation to obligation every day. BUT now I am supposed to be working while also supporting my 8 year old daughter with her school work. If I am working, then she is left on her own which sucks as she is a very social only child who struggles to complete her schoolwork without support. If I am helping her with her schoolwork or spending time with her, then I am feeling guilty that I am not doing enough of my work. It seems that no matter how I choose to spend my time these days, I am feeling like I am dropping the ball on something else and the guilt weighs on me so much.

Now I know not everyone who reads this is a teacher or a parent, but I bet you can easily interchange these things for your profession and an important relationship or personal responsibility in your life. Surviving in 2020 is HARD. I rationally know that I am my own worst critic. As humans we tend to be SO much harder on ourselves than we are on others. When I am addressing friends or colleagues who are expressing that they feeing like they are doing too much or not enough, I am always able to find the words to comfort them. Why am I not able to do that for myself?

I don’t know that I have any big insightful end to this post. I more wanted to express how I am feeling and hopefully offer some support to anyone who is feeling similarly. You are not alone. When I meditate or do yoga and I am asked to set an intention, the one I am drawn to most often is this: I am enough. I challenge anyone who reads this to spend the next week shifting your thoughts from “Am I enough?” to “I am enough”. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have in your tank right now. And if you aren’t, instead of feeling guilty about it, shift your trajectory and try again. Turn self-doubt into self-appreciation and self-improvement. Ask yourself if you are truly doing anything that you should feel guilty about. If not, let it go. And I promise I will try to take my own advice.

“The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” – Ayn Rand