What I would be doing right now if we were not in a pandemic: a frightening realization.

Today I joined @kenziebrenna for her instagram live journaling session. I have been wanting to join for weeks but I always seem to miss it. When I joined in, I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to journal but I forced myself to go to my room and grab my journal and pens… and then I heard the first prompt and my heart sank… You see the prompt was “What would you be doing right now if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic?”.

Whoa. Honestly? I have no freaking clue. It has been almost a year of this…. And if I am honest, my life hasn’t changed that much. I recognize that in many ways that can be attributed to my privilege. I am a middle aged white woman in Canada who didn’t lose my job. I am lucky that my life hasn’t changed much. But also, in a time when everyone around me is struggling because they miss their friends, their activities, and their social lives, what does it say about me that I am not feeling the same way?

You see, over the past decade, I had a baby and became a single mom, I went back to university I changed careers. I am VERY lucky to have some amazing people in my life who I know would do anything for me… but I do not see them regularly. So being in isolation… it doesn’t change my social life. It was pretty much non existent.

Except before Covid, I would go on social media and see my friends travelling, and I would feel jealous because I couldn’t afford to do that. Also, I would see my friends having parties I wasn’t invited to and feel so isolated and left out. Now I don’t have to see those things. Everyone is as isolated as I am. I am not ready for that to change.

I do need to take some responsibility for my pre pandemic situation, though. I would get invited to some things.. but since my friends are not a group and more singular friends, I am often stricken with anxiety over not knowing anyone but the host so it is easier to stay home. I tell myself I would go if I had a partner/date but alone is too scary. Or I legitimately feel bad asking my parents to babysit so it is easier to stay home. It’s like on the one hand, I am sad I don’t get invited places, and on the other I turn down the invites I get…

I can honestly say that the time I have had during the pandemic to work on myself has been amazing. I am doing more reading, learning, walking, meditating, exercising, journaling, self reflecting… And I am learning a lot about myself. But that means that when the pandemic ends, I have to start putting those changes into action in new ways. Well, shit! That is freaking terrifying! I can’t be the only person who feels this way. Journaling with Kenzie tonight made me realize that I need to start planning for the kind of life I want to have when the pandemic ends, instead of preparing for life to be how it was because I am no longer the same person I was a year ago. I need to take more risks and chances, embrace saying yes, and stop making excuses.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me scared… The pandemic allows me to embrace sitting home alone because everyone else is doing the same thing. But what do I do when it ends? How do I move forward? I want to be social and have friends I see outside of my phone. I want to date and would love to get married and have more kids. But none of that is going to happen if I never leave the comfort of my house.

I am reminded of a quote I have loved for years as it helped me through the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, and I think it is time to allow it to help me through this next phase as well: