10 Things I Have Learned About Motherhood: One for Each Year of the Journey Thus Far

Last week was a big milestone for me. February 15, 2021 marked ten years since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Elianna. I was 25 and single and it was the beginning of a whole new world for me. My life changed in ways I never imagined and I became an entirely different person than I was. I can’t believe I have been a mom for a whole decade. It has me feeling very nostalgic so I decided to reflect back on the journey thus far and share 10 things I have learned about motherhood, one for each year of my journey thus far.

#1: There is no such thing as too many pictures or too many social media posts. When Elianna was born, smartphones were not what they are now. I had a blackberry that took pretty blurry photos so I tried to keep my digital camera with me as much as possible. Except my laptop died when she was a week old so I couldn’t get them uploaded. As a result, I shared very few photos from the first year of Elianna’s life compared to how much I share now that my phone is my camera. I am also not good at keeping baby books or journals, or at getting photos printed, but I am a master at posting on social media. I remember that even when I did have photos or stories to share I would second guess posting, assuming no one would care except me. But I can tell you that 5 years later when those facebook memories would pop up with adorable videos or quotes, I had zero regrets. I love those memories and I am so glad I shared them somewhere. Take the pictures and share the posts!

#2: Each new stage will be your favourite. I mean, I can objectively look back and tell you which ages were more fun and which were more challenging, but in the moment I remember having so many sad moments when Elianna would grow out of an adorable phase. I was devastated when she learned that the elevator was not actually called an “alligator”. But I quickly learned that for every thing she grows out of, there are so many more she grows into. When she hit her first birthday it felt like it was going so fast and I wanted to keep her a baby forever. But then she started to talk in sentences and say “I love you” and I melted. When she started to get embarrassed by me, she also became old enough to play board games and watch interesting movies. So remember not to focus on what they used to do, or what you know they will do in the future. Live in the moment and enjoy each unique stage, and then let it go when the time comes to embrace what comes next.

#3: Find your “thing” and make time for it. When I say “thing” I mean the bonding activities you have with your child. It will be different for everyone. Some parents love to get down on the floor and play with their kids. That has never been me. I used to feel guilty about that, especially since Elianna is an only child, but I have learned that it is okay. We have other activities that we bond over. For us, it has always been movies and board games. They are things we both love. Prior to covid, we saw every new family/kids movie in theatres with popcorn. It is something I chose to splurge on. We also play a lot of games. When she was a toddler it was matching cards and Candyland. Now it is Uno and the Family Edition of Cards Against Humanity (which I highly recommend). It is ok if playing Barbies or building lego isn’t your thing. But find something you both enjoy and make time to do it every week.

#4: Less is more when it comes to stuff. Elianna has SO many toys. More than most kids her age, I am sure. She was the only child in the family for a long time with many aunts and uncles who loved to spoil her. And I am so grateful for my family and the way they love my girl. But we have donated so much stuff over the years that she never even took out of the package because she had so many things that she couldn’t even register what she owned. The less stuff she has, the more she uses it. She feels less overwhelmed and she actually wants to play. I have also always involved her in the purging process. When we donate, she chooses what goes and what stays. But she gets more and more responsibility for caring for and cleaning up what she keeps as she gets older. She went from wanting to keep everything to now frequently bringing me stuff out of the blue that she has found and realized she doesn’t need and would like to donate. If I could start over, I would allow way less stuff to come into the house in the first place!

#5: Talk. About. Everything. I knew from the beginning that I wanted a close relationship with my daughter. I wanted her to know she could tell me anything. And I wanted her to learn the big, important stuff from me and not her friends or the internet. I remember before Elianna was born, I heard a professional of some kind talking about child psychology on the radio (I wish I could remember who it was) and she had said that a good way to judge how much to tell you kids is to base it off their questions. If they ask a question, give an honest answer that is age appropriate/something you know they will understand. If they are satisfied, move on until they have more questions. If they immediately have more questions, they need more information. I have always remembered this and let it guide me. Elianna is more inquisitive than most children so this means we have had a lot of mature conversations at young ages. But I wouldn’t change that for anything. Now, at age 9, we can talk about anything and she knows it isn’t weird or awkward and I will answer her honestly. It is one of the things I am most proud of about our parent/child relationship. And I truly hope it stays this way as she heads into her teen years.

#6: When they tell you who they are, listen. I remember when I was pregnant, I had so many people say “If it’s a girl, will you put her in dance?”. You see, I was a competitive dancer, taught dance after I graduated, and studied dance at university. Everyone assumed I would want a little girl and that I would put her in dance because I had been a dancer. My answer was always, “I will if she wants to dance, but that is up to her”. Now don’t get me wrong, she asked to start dancing at age two, and is now a talented young dancer and I am thrilled that we get to share this passion, but I would have been just as excited to encourage her in other paths, and I did. She wanted to try soccer so we did it. It was not for her; she is a lot like me when it comes to sports, haha. She wanted to play piano (which I never did) and she loves it and will be resuming lessons when covid allows. I have exposed her to and offered her a lot of opportunities to be whoever she wants to be. If she had loved soccer or basketball and wanted to continue to do those things, I would have done it. I would have had no clue what I was doing, but I would have figured it out. Your child doesn’t need to do what you did. Or be typed by gender (ballet for girls and hockey for boys). Let them choose what they want to explore. Encourage their passions. Let them be who they want to be.

#7: Be their advocate. No one knows your child like you know your child. Listen to them, pay attention, and fight for them when they need you to. Elianna began to exhibit some behaviours that I thought were consistent with ADHD Inattentive when she was a toddler. Most people thought I was reading too much into things. What toddler doesn’t have issues with focus? But it was more specific than that. Like she couldn’t eat a snack if people were talking in the same room. I spoke to our family doctor and he thought I was overreacting and denied a pediatrician referral. When she got to school I advocated to her teachers every year and they were all wonderful with her but I also got the feeling that none of them were seeing just how bright she was, or just how much she was struggling. When we got a new family doctor, the first thing I did was ask for a pediatrician referral. This past year we did private testing and Elianna was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive, Giftedness, Impaired executive functioning, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in spelling. Basically every single thing that came out on that test was EXACTLY what I thought was going on with her but for the first time I had a professional telling me I wasn’t reading into things.. that she was actually struggling a lot because of this complex mix of things going on inside of her. Now she has a host of supports in place specific to her needs and she is thriving with both dance and schoolwork in a way she never has before. So please, don’t let doctors or teachers tell you that your kid is fine when you know they are not. ADVOCATE.

#8: Practice gratitude. It can be so easy to get overwhelmed. And we have every right to. Parenting is HARD. Whether you are a stay at home mom, or a work at home mom, or a working outside the home mom, it is all exhausting. No one job is easier than the rest. You are allowed to be tired and frustrated and sad. Especially during those toddler years! Haha. But something that has helped me a lot is taking little moments to be grateful. I was single and 25 when I got pregnant, as I mentioned above. I lived with my parents and went back to school when Elianna was 10 months old to get a second degree and begin a career so I could better support us. When we moved into our own basement suite when Elianna was 3, I found myself overcome with emotions. I did this for us. This space is ours. I worked hard to get the job to pay for it and this is our home and I am so grateful. Or I would watch Elianna sleep or play and think about how lucky I am to be her mom. Those small moments of stopping to appreciate what I have, have often sustained me through the long, thankless days.

On the topic of gratitude and positivity, if you haven’t ever seen it, I would recommend watching Dr. Rick Hanson’s video “Take in the Good”. It is about changing our neural pathways by thinking positive thoughts for 10 seconds or more and it has helped me immensely.

#9: Do not compare yourself to other moms. This has always been a hard one for me. I am SO bad for this. Especially being a working mom in a neighbourhood where a lot of the moms do not work, work from home, work part time, etc. Elianna has always been sad that other moms get to drop off and pick up their kids from school but I can never be there. Or we go to birthday parties where every decoration is hand made and snacks have themed nick names. Meanwhile, even though I am a very creative and crafty person, I am a teacher and my child has an early October birthday, so her party decor is straight up purchased from Party City and pizzas and cake are purchased, and it is always in our home because that’s what I can afford. Or I see other people posting their delicious meals and we have hit the drive thru for the 2nd time that week. It is so easy to look at what other moms are able to do and compare and feel like you are not doing enough. But I promise you, you are. Just by showing up and being there for your kid, you are doing enough. Which brings me to my final learning…..

#10: You are the perfect mom for your child(ren). Whether you planned your pregnancy, had a surprise, or adopted your child, you are their mother. You are who they want when things are falling apart. You are who they need to kiss their owies. You are the only person who knows how to make their favourite meal just the way they want it. You give healing hugs that no one else can give. Even on your worst day, when you feel like you are failing, they love you just as you are and they just need you to show up… and in just doing that, you are enough. Yes, there are many layers to this. We need to take care of ourselves, do self care, be happy to be our best selves for our kids. But in the eyes of our kids, they just want their mom (or dad but for the sake of this post and writing about my experiences as a single mom, I am focusing more on the role of “mom”). So the next time you feel like you are not doing enough, not being enough, try and look at yourself through the eyes of your child. If you need help, watch this viral video from a couple years ago that makes me cry every time I see it. You are the best mom because you are their mom. You got this.