In the spring of 2016, I bought myself a raspberry plant. I loved the idea of having a raspberry bush in my yard and being able to eat fresh raspberries every summer without paying the exorbitant grocery store prices. And while I have a black thumb, I had heard that raspberry bushes were a lot like blackberry bushes…. That they could grow like weeds with no intervention. It was supposedly impossible to mess it up! This sounded like a great plant for me. A win-win! Free delicious fruit without any effort!
Over the next 7 years, I cannot deny that the bush grew. It went from one tiny little twig in a pot, to taking over an entire patch of garden in my yard. But still hardly any berries. Then in the fall of 2021 I trimmed it. Just a bit. I was scared. And by summer 2022, it had taken over. And not just the garden, but it started to grow out and block the path from my gate to my door. I had to start walking on the grass instead of the path to go around the long thorny branches. And while I was now definitely getting some berries, the ratio of berries to inconvenience was quite sad. I was beginning to think I had made a grave error.
So in the fall of 2022, I knew I had to take action. I went online and read up about how to manage raspberry bushes. And without any real confidence that I was doing the right thing, I hacked the bush back to a graveyard of twigs. I felt so relieved to have my yard back… the path to my doorway clear. But I was also nervous about the future of the plant. Would it come back? So then I waited….
This past spring, not only did the bush grow back, but I had the most raspberries I have ever had since I bought the plant. We enjoyed an abundance of raspberries all summer long! I actually picked the last of them October 14th before I cut the bush back again for winter. And while it was overtaking my path again this year, the amount of fruit it produced more than made up for that. It turns out that to get the full benefit of my plant, I couldn’t just sit back and let it grow on its own. I had to tend to it.
I often feel like gifted learners are like my raspberry bush. In education, many teachers are overwhelmed by the other needs in their classroom garden, so it can be easy to neglect the gifted kids because we believe, like the raspberry bush, that they will grow without needing us to tend to them to the same degree as our students who sometimes have more visible needs. But this is not the case. Their full potential can only be reached when we make an effort to meet their needs. And this is fruit we NEED. Many of the innovations we have in society come from gifted minds of all kinds… people with high ability and intense passions in certain areas who find new, creative, efficient ways of creating advancements. But gifted minds that are not nurtured may not reach that potential.
Over the next couple of months, I am going to continue writing posts about supporting gifting learners based on the research I am doing and I would love feedback from anyone reading this. It would be helpful to know things like: did this shift your perceptions or your thinking? After reading any of my posts, are you noticing anything new? Has anything you’ve read changed your thinking or your practice? And really any other thoughts, no matter how big or small, that come up after reading my updates. And if you have questions, I would welcome those also.
I would also love to know if you have ever held any assumptions about gifted learners, or if you know of any common misconceptions. My aim is to be mindful that we are not falling victim to misconceptions about these students and allowing these misconceptions to impact our perceptions and our teaching, and therefore the experience gifted learners have in the classroom. I am specifically looking at the context of full inclusion programs where we are not defaulting to segregation or acceleration as a first step. I want to share things that I am learning as a teacher, researcher, and ‘gifted facilitator’, but I also want to make the things I share accessible for classroom teachers, and easy to try.
I would also love to hear about ways you currently connect to your gifted learners. Do you have any stories to share about how you reach and teach these students in your classroom? What do you notice? How have you shifted tactics in response to their unique needs? What are you doing that is working well with these learners?
For now, I invite you, over the next week or two, to pay attention to the students in your class that you generally “don’t need to worry about”. Not just your designated gifted students (as there are likely many unidentified gifted learners in your classrooms). What do you notice? How do you interact with them differently than the rest of your students? What are your expectations of them? Anything else that comes up. And please share your observations and thought with me either in the comments here or directly to my email: mjd1@sfu.ca
I am so excited to learn alongside you all. Thank you for being willing to be a part of this journey!
Any other friends out there who have had concussions? This is not a club I ever thought I would join. I don’t play contact sports. I don’t put myself in situations where I am likely to get smoked in the head. In fact, I actively avoid these situations! Ha! And yet I still have found myself suffering from back to back concussions in 2022. Two freak accidents that have resulted in 3 months and counting off of work and a new normal that consists of constant appointments, rehab, and a lot of naps.
In concussion treatment, they use the phrase “Boom and Bust”. Maybe you are familiar with this term in relation to the economy, but in terms of concussion recovery it refers to pushing yourself way past where you should instead of finding your baseline and gradually increasing your tolerance for that activity. The result is significant regressions and set backs. Back in June, I had a big “Boom and Bust” the first week after my initial concussion. I woke up after 5 days and felt great. I instantly went from laying around doing nothing to deciding it would be a good day to mow my lawn. If you are not familiar with concussion symptoms and triggers, lawn mowing basically hits the trifecta… Bright light (sun), loud noise, and an elevated heart rate. The next day, I could hardly sit up without feeling like I was going to be sick. This was when my physio and my friend Stacy introduced me to the boom and bust.
Photo taken from 121wellness.ca to show consequences of Boom and Bust in recovery vs. consistent pacing.
After that first time, I did really well for the duration of that recovery and the first 4-6 weeks of my second concussion. I was careful to keep up some form of normal life and activity every day. But if I became symptomatic, I would stop and rest. Seemed simple enough. Enter phase two: when you feel so much better that you no longer feel symptomatic from the small things. All of a sudden it is a lot harder to determine your baseline and when enough is enough. This past weekend I had a major boom and bust. I spent all day Saturday decluttering my living room. This is both a physical and cognitive task. I was SHOCKED when I woke up on Sunday and I felt good still. I figured that was a sign that I would be totally fine to keep going on Sunday and do the bedrooms….. Spoiler alert: I was not fine.
When I woke up Monday, I felt awful. All day… headache, more sensitive to light, noise and screens. Tired, nauseas and dizzy. A much less intense version of initial concussion symptoms from right after an injury. And it continued the same and worse on Tuesday as well. My OT used this as a reminder that recovery needs to be consistent. It shouldn’t be all or nothing. And man, if that didn’t feel like a shot to the heart.
If you know me, you know that All or Nothing is how I live my life. If I decide it is time to declutter, I will do the whole house in one go. If it is time to do yard work, I want to do everything that needs doing in one day. When I am faced with a new task, I take it on with my full concentration. I start a workout program and I can’t miss a day. If I do, I give up. I throw myself into work, life, tasks, etc so completely that burn out. And then I stop. Like totally stop. I watch TV or read and I just don’t move. I do nothing until am rested and then I get back on the horse giving life 110%.
Don’t use all-or-nothing thinking. Take each day as its own day, and don’t worry about it if you mess up one day. The most important thing you can do it get back up on the horse.
Henry Cloud
I am going to jump around a bit but bear with me. In the fall of 2018, I had a significant set back with my mental health. I had struggled for years with anxiety and depression. I treated it with exercise and counselling and meditation but I was still not coping well. That fall, I went to my doctor and begged for help. This was the beginning of my journey with medication. At the time, my family doctor, and the rehab consultant I was assigned through work both wanted me to take a full time leave. I said no. I knew my history of all or nothing thinking. I wanted to find balance. So I took a partial leave, working 3 days a week, staying in grad school, but using 2 days a week to rest and go to counselling while I adjusted to my medication. And it was exactly what I needed. Moving away from all or nothing thinking has been something I have been cognizant of ever since.
Over the last little while, I have found myself back in those old patterns. My concussion recovery is serving as the most recent reminder of the importance of slowing down. I bet many of us have stories of starting a new routine and giving up once we miss a day or two. I mean, this is why “new year, new me” is such a popular trend on social media in January. It is the perfect time to start fresh on these new ideas and new resolutions that most of us will have abandoned before February 1st.
So I say, maybe it is time that we start to celebrate doing less. I mean, if you are giving 100% to your job, your family, your friends, your hobbies…. that’s a much higher percentage of output than humans were created to do. And damn, if it isn’t exhausting to give that much. So what if we do our job well, but we don’t let it drain us. What if we balance supporting our partner/kids/parents with supporting ourselves by making time for things that fill our cups. What if we start a new hobby without feeling like we need to make it into our whole identity. What if we decluttered one drawer at a time instead of taking the whole damn house apart in one fell swoop.
What if we never find that elusive “balance” thing, but we let ourselves off the hook a bit and start to recognize that the same pacing recommended for concussion recovery is the pacing we should be applying to our lives. Maybe we move away from the “motivational quotes” that push us into a boom and bust pattern in our lives and we lean towards ones that help us keep the pace in a sustainable way. Maybe we all get ok with giving percentages of our effort to our jobs, family, hobbies, etc that total 100 combined. . And maybe that’s enough.
Hanging in my car while my kiddo is at dance…. Writing this blog post which also happens to be my OT homework.
Post script: It is not lost on me that I was supposed to spend 20 min on my computer starting this post but instead have been working on it for 90min and my head is killing me. Time to start taking my own advice. But what can I say? I am a work in progress.
This post has been a long time coming. It was inspired by a photo I took last summer. I got a new bathing suit and posted a picture of myself. When friends began to compliment me on my body I was so confused. This was the biggest I had ever been. I wasn’t posting for compliments. I was posting to liberate myself from the shame of feeling like my new body made my less worthy. And yet when people said how good I looked, I felt compelled to remind them of how far away I was from a version of my body that I considered “good. So I made this side by side.
Left: July 2015 – Right: July 2020
And then I really studied the two pictures and I thought back to the day I took the photo on the left. It was when I was getting ready to go to the beach with my daughter and my cousin. I remember that very day talking to my cousin about how I had gained weight and I was worried about it. I remember talking about pictures from the past and how I didn’t look anything like those photos and it was my own fault for loving junk food and not exercising and I needed to make a change so I could get my 17 year old body back…. I wanted to trade in my 30 year old body for the younger model… I thought it was realistic to have my body look like it did before having a child.. before 13 more years of life and experience and change. Let’s take a moment to first acknowledge how ridiculous that is. And also, when I was 17, I thought I was the fattest girl in my dance classes and that everyone was judging me and that I didn’t have a boyfriend because I wasn’t thin enough. These thoughts forced me to accept the reality that it was never about my body. It was about my mindset and the standards I held myself to because of what I was seeing in the media.
Then I looked at the photo on the right. I am wearing bikini bottoms which was brand new for me. I had been wearing short bottoms almost exclusively since high school to cover my butt as I was so insecure about it. Yet now, thanks to the body confidence and body positivity communities that I found online, I was in bikini bottoms. No shorts. I had also recently bought coloured leggings after years of only allowing myself black or dark grey.. anything that could hide my cellulite. And I was 4 months into a journey of working out for FUN and not for weight loss, and I was loving it. I was also gearing up to start a new job in September that I was very passionate about because of a grad school program I had finished 7 months prior that truly changed me for the better as a teacher, as a mom, and as a person in general.
This made me realize that in all the ways that mattered, I am a much better version of myself in the photo on the right. I am happier. I am healthier. I have done more schooling and found a job I love. I have learned more about social issues and become educated on causes I believe in. I have learned new crafts and talents. I am reading more. I am more confident and more in love with myself and my body than I had ever been before. How dare I shrink down my worth to a side by side visual comparison and use that to determine which version of myself is “good”.
Before and After: What you don’t see.
And yet, even though I have been percolating on these ideas and wanting to write this blog post for 7 months, I continue to find myself having a strong reaction to posts on social media about weight loss, calorie counting, “good foods” and “bad foods”, before and after photos, and much more. I see these images and ideas and I instantly feel like I am not enough as I am. I see my physical self in the before photo and never the after and it makes me feel like crap. I used to categorize my response to these messages as “motivation”. If I could just start tracking everything I eat, exercising regularly, and maintaining a calorie deficit, I too can be the after photo! But I am finally starting to recognize my response as what it actually is, what the diet industry counts on me feeling: shame because my current body is not a type valued by society.
An image I recently saw on Instagram from @beauty_redefined that helped me understand the feelings I have when I see a “Before and After” photo knowing I look more like the before photo than the after. I highly recommend following their account.
After seeing the above image from @beauty_redefined, I made a choice to change up my feed. I went into my follows and unfollowed or muted any account that did not make me feel good. And I am continuing to make adjustments as things pop up. It is amazing how impactful it is when your feed is full of people who share like minded views that make you feel confident, powerful, and included, instead of feeling like you too can fit in if you just start now and change everything about yourself.
Now I want to end off by saying that I am not casting judgement of others. I was taking and sharing “before and after” photos as recently as this past fall. I am also very proud of my friends who have made lifestyle changes because they wanted to do so and are happier and healthier because of them. And I understand why they want to share their progress. I guess I am just at a point where I am seeking to understand and be motivated by intention in my own life. If my intention is to be happier and healthier, how do I achieve that? I know for me, calorie counting and diet restriction does not do that. And seeing people post about their weight loss impacts me negatively as well, so I have chosen to mute those accounts for my own health. I am finally getting inspired to move my body and fuel my body out of a place of love and not a place of hate.
I am learning and growing and changing every day. Everything before today is the “before”. Everything in the future is the “after”. And there is no photo that will ever capture that. And I think that is pretty exciting.
Last week was a big milestone for me. February 15, 2021 marked ten years since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Elianna. I was 25 and single and it was the beginning of a whole new world for me. My life changed in ways I never imagined and I became an entirely different person than I was. I can’t believe I have been a mom for a whole decade. It has me feeling very nostalgic so I decided to reflect back on the journey thus far and share 10 things I have learned about motherhood, one for each year of my journey thus far.
My first Bump Photo – May 2011
#1: There is no such thing as too many pictures or too many social media posts. When Elianna was born, smartphones were not what they are now. I had a blackberry that took pretty blurry photos so I tried to keep my digital camera with me as much as possible. Except my laptop died when she was a week old so I couldn’t get them uploaded. As a result, I shared very few photos from the first year of Elianna’s life compared to how much I share now that my phone is my camera. I am also not good at keeping baby books or journals, or at getting photos printed, but I am a master at posting on social media. I remember that even when I did have photos or stories to share I would second guess posting, assuming no one would care except me. But I can tell you that 5 years later when those facebook memories would pop up with adorable videos or quotes, I had zero regrets. I love those memories and I am so glad I shared them somewhere. Take the pictures and share the posts!
San Diego Zoo July 2012
#2: Each new stage will be your favourite. I mean, I can objectively look back and tell you which ages were more fun and which were more challenging, but in the moment I remember having so many sad moments when Elianna would grow out of an adorable phase. I was devastated when she learned that the elevator was not actually called an “alligator”. But I quickly learned that for every thing she grows out of, there are so many more she grows into. When she hit her first birthday it felt like it was going so fast and I wanted to keep her a baby forever. But then she started to talk in sentences and say “I love you” and I melted. When she started to get embarrassed by me, she also became old enough to play board games and watch interesting movies. So remember not to focus on what they used to do, or what you know they will do in the future. Live in the moment and enjoy each unique stage, and then let it go when the time comes to embrace what comes next.
Pumpkin Patch October 2013
#3: Find your “thing” and make time for it. When I say “thing” I mean the bonding activities you have with your child. It will be different for everyone. Some parents love to get down on the floor and play with their kids. That has never been me. I used to feel guilty about that, especially since Elianna is an only child, but I have learned that it is okay. We have other activities that we bond over. For us, it has always been movies and board games. They are things we both love. Prior to covid, we saw every new family/kids movie in theatres with popcorn. It is something I chose to splurge on. We also play a lot of games. When she was a toddler it was matching cards and Candyland. Now it is Uno and the Family Edition of Cards Against Humanity (which I highly recommend). It is ok if playing Barbies or building lego isn’t your thing. But find something you both enjoy and make time to do it every week.
Canada Day 2014
#4: Less is more when it comes to stuff. Elianna has SO many toys. More than most kids her age, I am sure. She was the only child in the family for a long time with many aunts and uncles who loved to spoil her. And I am so grateful for my family and the way they love my girl. But we have donated so much stuff over the years that she never even took out of the package because she had so many things that she couldn’t even register what she owned. The less stuff she has, the more she uses it. She feels less overwhelmed and she actually wants to play. I have also always involved her in the purging process. When we donate, she chooses what goes and what stays. But she gets more and more responsibility for caring for and cleaning up what she keeps as she gets older. She went from wanting to keep everything to now frequently bringing me stuff out of the blue that she has found and realized she doesn’t need and would like to donate. If I could start over, I would allow way less stuff to come into the house in the first place!
First day of Preschool, September 2015
#5: Talk. About. Everything. I knew from the beginning that I wanted a close relationship with my daughter. I wanted her to know she could tell me anything. And I wanted her to learn the big, important stuff from me and not her friends or the internet. I remember before Elianna was born, I heard a professional of some kind talking about child psychology on the radio (I wish I could remember who it was) and she had said that a good way to judge how much to tell you kids is to base it off their questions. If they ask a question, give an honest answer that is age appropriate/something you know they will understand. If they are satisfied, move on until they have more questions. If they immediately have more questions, they need more information. I have always remembered this and let it guide me. Elianna is more inquisitive than most children so this means we have had a lot of mature conversations at young ages. But I wouldn’t change that for anything. Now, at age 9, we can talk about anything and she knows it isn’t weird or awkward and I will answer her honestly. It is one of the things I am most proud of about our parent/child relationship. And I truly hope it stays this way as she heads into her teen years.
Elianna’s 5th Birthday, October 2016
#6: When they tell you who they are, listen. I remember when I was pregnant, I had so many people say “If it’s a girl, will you put her in dance?”. You see, I was a competitive dancer, taught dance after I graduated, and studied dance at university. Everyone assumed I would want a little girl and that I would put her in dance because I had been a dancer. My answer was always, “I will if she wants to dance, but that is up to her”. Now don’t get me wrong, she asked to start dancing at age two, and is now a talented young dancer and I am thrilled that we get to share this passion, but I would have been just as excited to encourage her in other paths, and I did. She wanted to try soccer so we did it. It was not for her; she is a lot like me when it comes to sports, haha. She wanted to play piano (which I never did) and she loves it and will be resuming lessons when covid allows. I have exposed her to and offered her a lot of opportunities to be whoever she wants to be. If she had loved soccer or basketball and wanted to continue to do those things, I would have done it. I would have had no clue what I was doing, but I would have figured it out. Your child doesn’t need to do what you did. Or be typed by gender (ballet for girls and hockey for boys). Let them choose what they want to explore. Encourage their passions. Let them be who they want to be.
Thanksgiving 2017
#7: Be their advocate. No one knows your child like you know your child. Listen to them, pay attention, and fight for them when they need you to. Elianna began to exhibit some behaviours that I thought were consistent with ADHD Inattentive when she was a toddler. Most people thought I was reading too much into things. What toddler doesn’t have issues with focus? But it was more specific than that. Like she couldn’t eat a snack if people were talking in the same room. I spoke to our family doctor and he thought I was overreacting and denied a pediatrician referral. When she got to school I advocated to her teachers every year and they were all wonderful with her but I also got the feeling that none of them were seeing just how bright she was, or just how much she was struggling. When we got a new family doctor, the first thing I did was ask for a pediatrician referral. This past year we did private testing and Elianna was diagnosed with ADHD Inattentive, Giftedness, Impaired executive functioning, an anxiety disorder, and a learning disability in spelling. Basically every single thing that came out on that test was EXACTLY what I thought was going on with her but for the first time I had a professional telling me I wasn’t reading into things.. that she was actually struggling a lot because of this complex mix of things going on inside of her. Now she has a host of supports in place specific to her needs and she is thriving with both dance and schoolwork in a way she never has before. So please, don’t let doctors or teachers tell you that your kid is fine when you know they are not. ADVOCATE.
Roller Coaster Photos – 2016 and 2018
#8: Practice gratitude. It can be so easy to get overwhelmed. And we have every right to. Parenting is HARD. Whether you are a stay at home mom, or a work at home mom, or a working outside the home mom, it is all exhausting. No one job is easier than the rest. You are allowed to be tired and frustrated and sad. Especially during those toddler years! Haha. But something that has helped me a lot is taking little moments to be grateful. I was single and 25 when I got pregnant, as I mentioned above. I lived with my parents and went back to school when Elianna was 10 months old to get a second degree and begin a career so I could better support us. When we moved into our own basement suite when Elianna was 3, I found myself overcome with emotions. I did this for us. This space is ours. I worked hard to get the job to pay for it and this is our home and I am so grateful. Or I would watch Elianna sleep or play and think about how lucky I am to be her mom. Those small moments of stopping to appreciate what I have, have often sustained me through the long, thankless days.
On the topic of gratitude and positivity, if you haven’t ever seen it, I would recommend watching Dr. Rick Hanson’s video “Take in the Good”. It is about changing our neural pathways by thinking positive thoughts for 10 seconds or more and it has helped me immensely.
Pumpkin Patch 2019
#9: Do not compare yourself to other moms. This has always been a hard one for me. I am SO bad for this. Especially being a working mom in a neighbourhood where a lot of the moms do not work, work from home, work part time, etc. Elianna has always been sad that other moms get to drop off and pick up their kids from school but I can never be there. Or we go to birthday parties where every decoration is hand made and snacks have themed nick names. Meanwhile, even though I am a very creative and crafty person, I am a teacher and my child has an early October birthday, so her party decor is straight up purchased from Party City and pizzas and cake are purchased, and it is always in our home because that’s what I can afford. Or I see other people posting their delicious meals and we have hit the drive thru for the 2nd time that week. It is so easy to look at what other moms are able to do and compare and feel like you are not doing enough. But I promise you, you are. Just by showing up and being there for your kid, you are doing enough. Which brings me to my final learning…..
Christmas Tree Hunting December 2020
#10: You are the perfect mom for your child(ren). Whether you planned your pregnancy, had a surprise, or adopted your child, you are their mother. You are who they want when things are falling apart. You are who they need to kiss their owies. You are the only person who knows how to make their favourite meal just the way they want it. You give healing hugs that no one else can give. Even on your worst day, when you feel like you are failing, they love you just as you are and they just need you to show up… and in just doing that, you are enough. Yes, there are many layers to this. We need to take care of ourselves, do self care, be happy to be our best selves for our kids. But in the eyes of our kids, they just want their mom (or dad but for the sake of this post and writing about my experiences as a single mom, I am focusing more on the role of “mom”). So the next time you feel like you are not doing enough, not being enough, try and look at yourself through the eyes of your child. If you need help, watch this viral video from a couple years ago that makes me cry every time I see it. You are the best mom because you are their mom. You got this.
Today I joined @kenziebrenna for her instagram live journaling session. I have been wanting to join for weeks but I always seem to miss it. When I joined in, I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to journal but I forced myself to go to my room and grab my journal and pens… and then I heard the first prompt and my heart sank… You see the prompt was “What would you be doing right now if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic?”.
Whoa. Honestly? I have no freaking clue. It has been almost a year of this…. And if I am honest, my life hasn’t changed that much. I recognize that in many ways that can be attributed to my privilege. I am a middle aged white woman in Canada who didn’t lose my job. I am lucky that my life hasn’t changed much. But also, in a time when everyone around me is struggling because they miss their friends, their activities, and their social lives, what does it say about me that I am not feeling the same way?
You see, over the past decade, I had a baby and became a single mom, I went back to university I changed careers. I am VERY lucky to have some amazing people in my life who I know would do anything for me… but I do not see them regularly. So being in isolation… it doesn’t change my social life. It was pretty much non existent.
Except before Covid, I would go on social media and see my friends travelling, and I would feel jealous because I couldn’t afford to do that. Also, I would see my friends having parties I wasn’t invited to and feel so isolated and left out. Now I don’t have to see those things. Everyone is as isolated as I am. I am not ready for that to change.
I do need to take some responsibility for my pre pandemic situation, though. I would get invited to some things.. but since my friends are not a group and more singular friends, I am often stricken with anxiety over not knowing anyone but the host so it is easier to stay home. I tell myself I would go if I had a partner/date but alone is too scary. Or I legitimately feel bad asking my parents to babysit so it is easier to stay home. It’s like on the one hand, I am sad I don’t get invited places, and on the other I turn down the invites I get…
I can honestly say that the time I have had during the pandemic to work on myself has been amazing. I am doing more reading, learning, walking, meditating, exercising, journaling, self reflecting… And I am learning a lot about myself. But that means that when the pandemic ends, I have to start putting those changes into action in new ways. Well, shit! That is freaking terrifying! I can’t be the only person who feels this way. Journaling with Kenzie tonight made me realize that I need to start planning for the kind of life I want to have when the pandemic ends, instead of preparing for life to be how it was because I am no longer the same person I was a year ago. I need to take more risks and chances, embrace saying yes, and stop making excuses.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me scared… The pandemic allows me to embrace sitting home alone because everyone else is doing the same thing. But what do I do when it ends? How do I move forward? I want to be social and have friends I see outside of my phone. I want to date and would love to get married and have more kids. But none of that is going to happen if I never leave the comfort of my house.
I am reminded of a quote I have loved for years as it helped me through the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, and I think it is time to allow it to help me through this next phase as well:
I am not sure what is waiting for me when this all ends…. But I will be ready.
I am not sure if anyone can relate to me but I just have to say that my least favourite emotion is guilt. It also seems to be the one that I feel the most often these days.
As a mom, I am constantly feeling guilty about whether or not I am doing enough for my daughter. Am I present enough? Am I home enough? Am I happy enough? Am I feeding her healthy enough? Am I doing enough for her? Am I doing too much? And if I determine that I am not fulfilling my role as well as I should or could be, in comes the guilt. As a teacher, I have similar feelings. Am I working hard enough? Am I advocating enough? Am I doing enough professional development? Am I communicating with parents enough? If I think I am not fulfilling my duties perfectly…. guilt.
Learning multiplication in the sunshine!
Then there is the guilt that comes from seeking to find balance. If I stay late at work every day, I feel guilty for not being present enough for my daughter. If I leave work at a reasonable time, I feel guilty that I am not putting in enough time to catch up (because goodness knows there is no such thing as being on top of paperwork/marking). THEN, add the current “Continuity of Learning” situation into the mix due to Covid-19 and the guilt is OFF THE CHARTS.
Don’t get me wrong. I am very fortunate right now that I did not lose my job and that I am safe at home with my girl. I am also enjoying the slower pace of life with no commuting and no rushing from obligation to obligation every day. BUT now I am supposed to be working while also supporting my 8 year old daughter with her school work. If I am working, then she is left on her own which sucks as she is a very social only child who struggles to complete her schoolwork without support. If I am helping her with her schoolwork or spending time with her, then I am feeling guilty that I am not doing enough of my work. It seems that no matter how I choose to spend my time these days, I am feeling like I am dropping the ball on something else and the guilt weighs on me so much.
Attending a staff meeting while simultaneously helping my daughter with homework… All done from the hammock so she can’t run away from me.
Now I know not everyone who reads this is a teacher or a parent, but I bet you can easily interchange these things for your profession and an important relationship or personal responsibility in your life. Surviving in 2020 is HARD. I rationally know that I am my own worst critic. As humans we tend to be SO much harder on ourselves than we are on others. When I am addressing friends or colleagues who are expressing that they feeing like they are doing too much or not enough, I am always able to find the words to comfort them. Why am I not able to do that for myself?
I don’t know that I have any big insightful end to this post. I more wanted to express how I am feeling and hopefully offer some support to anyone who is feeling similarly. You are not alone. When I meditate or do yoga and I am asked to set an intention, the one I am drawn to most often is this: I am enough. I challenge anyone who reads this to spend the next week shifting your thoughts from “Am I enough?” to “I am enough”. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have in your tank right now. And if you aren’t, instead of feeling guilty about it, shift your trajectory and try again. Turn self-doubt into self-appreciation and self-improvement. Ask yourself if you are truly doing anything that you should feel guilty about. If not, let it go. And I promise I will try to take my own advice.
“The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” – Ayn Rand
When I was a little, I used to write all the time. I would write poems, short stories, and even started a couple of novels and plays… I LOVED to write and create. It was something I just did for myself. I wasn’t sure if it would ever turn into something, but just doing it for me made me happy.
My creative spirit as a child also resulted in MANY performances at family functions. I am lucky my sister and cousins let me get away with this. – Mid production circa~1995
As I got older, I started to test the waters. As a teen, I dreamed of getting one of my poems or stories published in ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’. I processed my first heartbreak through writing a poem. I got super excited when we were assigned creative writing projects in school. But the older I got, the less positive the feedback was about my writing. I began to think that as much as I enjoyed writing, I just didn’t have any talent.
Fast forward to the age of the internet. The boom of the blog. I toyed with the idea of starting one as a creative outlet but I didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone would want to read. And then many of my friends began sharing on social media that they had started blogs. It seemed trendy. If I started one, would I really be starting one because I wanted to write and share my thoughts, or would I be starting one because everyone else had a blog and I was jumping on a fad? And then as blogs started to grow and progress, suddenly blog posts were also filled with amazingly beautiful photos of perfectly designed spaces and perfectly chosen outfits taken with fancy cameras in great lighting. Now, I am incompetent when it comes to interior design and fashion. I have never in my 3 years lived in a perfectly designed space. And I do not have great fashion sense. How could I compete? I pushed away any thought of having a blog at that point.
But over the last year I have received a lot of compliments about my use of words. Whether it be in a work email or meeting, or a casual post on social media, I have had people encourage me to explore this form of expression. It is sad that it was a lack of external validation that pushed me away from a writing and an increase in external validation that drew me back to it. But at this moment, I am just glad I am doing this regardless of the path it took for me to get here.
“Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you fail by default”. – J.K. Rowling
It made me think of all the times in my life I haven’t bet on myself…. All the times I have let my insecurities stop me from pursing a dream or a goal. It is so easy to compare ourselves to others and assume that we are not worthy. So as I move forward with this blog and I write about the things that inspire me or the thoughts I want to share, the photos to accompany my words will be taken in my basement suite, with poor lighting, featuring cat hair covered carpets and mismatched old furniture, all of which was obtained second hand. My outfits will be mismatched. My child will have unbrushed hair. I will share the messy and the ugly and the dirty, and I will be proud of spilling my heart out onto the page. And maybe, just maybe, I will inspire someone else, who thinks they don’t have what it takes, to bet on themselves regardless of circumstance. After all, isn’t that the whole point?
This post was inspired by this couch. It belonged to my grandparents and my Papa used to take a nap on it every afternoon. It is not pretty but it has a great story and that is enough for me.
This past week was the toughest week I’ve had in quarantine so far. It marked the end of week 6 of being home alone, just me and my 8 year old daughter. It marked the end of week 4 of working from home as a teacher in this “continuation of learning” model. It was my birthday. The rain returned after some gloriously sunny days. I suddenly began to shift from “I got this. I was made for quarantine” to “I don’t got this. I need a hug”.
Social media isn’t helping with all the mixed messages. People who are loving quarantine. People who are hating it. Over generalizations everywhere. The extroverts are suffering. The introverts are in heaven. I love working from home; I needed a break. I hate working from home; it’s more work than being at work. The only general consensus I’ve noticed is that NO TWO PEOPLE ARE COPING THE SAME. It does not matter how similar their personalities or circumstances are. We are all coping differently and that ability to cope is changing day to day!
The last day that I was out in the world before quarantine, I went to Ikea and bought myself these plants. It was a gamble. For someone whose birthday is on Earth Day, I’m as far from a green thumb as they come. They started out great but in usual Melissa fashion, watering became an after thought and they slowly began to look… well… like this. But what strikes me about them is how different they are today. Same plant. Bought from the same store on the same day. Kept in the same place. Watered the same amount at the same times. It would be unfair to say one is dying and one is thriving. Let’s call a spade a spade. One is dying. The other is desperately trying to live despite my poor abilities to tend to it. But it is undeniable that they are handling the same circumstances in different ways.
As humans we ALL need to learn not to judge one another by our personal experiences. We all need to recognize that what makes us different is what makes the world work. It’s what makes me believe that we’re all going to get through this. My plants are living (or maybe not so living) proof that we all respond to challenging circumstances in different ways. And thank goodness for that ❤️
Why “ The Infinite Iris”? Well 4 years ago I started a page to promote my small home business selling crocheted items and Infinite Iris was the name I chose for my business.
Iris is the name of my grandmother who passed away in October 2018. It’s also one of my daughter’s middle names. And since the name connects to two of the most important women in my life, it just made sense to use it for my business as well.
Infinite is an ode to the crocheted infinity scarves that launched me into crochet life. I was a newbie with limited skills and my cousin asked for a scarf for Christmas. My mom and I hunted everywhere and couldn’t find any that were as nice as we envisioned. So I decided to make one. It was so fun and turned out so well that I started to make a ton of them. I think I made about 12 in two weeks just honing my skills. Once I got good at scarves it inspired me to branch out and make other things and my passion for crochet just took off from there.
Once I coined a name, I needed an image for my business card. Thankfully my Mom’s cousin is an accomplished photographer and he was able to take an image I sent him of one of my scarves and turn it into this! So much thanks and credit to Greg Waddell Photography.
Where is my crochet business now, you may ask? Well, as a busy single mom I realized that I just didn’t have the time to keep up with it. I constantly felt like I was stressed out, letting people down, or taking too long. Soon I didn’t want to crochet at all. That was no good. So now I just crochet, knit, sew and all those other crafty things for my own personal use or for gifts and that suits me much better! But I still love the name I chose for the venture and the image as it reminds me of the first time I truly took a chance on myself and tried to create something big all on my own.
Hi! I’m Melissa. I’m a single mom with a beautiful daughter. I’m also a teacher and I’m super passionate about Inclusive Education. I love the arts and creativity; I love to read, write, craft, act, sing and dance.
When I’m not working, hustling my daughter to and from dance classes, herding my two cats, and just generally trying to keep my basement suite from falling into complete disarray, you can find me crafting up a storm. I started with crochet which morphed into some other random small crafts, then knitting, then I got a Cricut, and finally a sewing machine. I also have a nice camera I am hoping to find time to use properly soon! I am still a newbie in most areas but I find it super cathartic to constantly create.
Speaking of creating, when I was a little girl, I loved to write . I would write poems, short stories, plays, you name it. I loved the idea of finding a job where I would get to write professionally. But as I got older and my writing began to get critiqued, I became super self conscious. I stopped writing unless it was necessary. (We can discuss my lack of resilience in a future post. I wouldn’t let that stop me these days). Then last summer I decided to create a public Instagram account to get out some of my thoughts instead of filling up my personal page. I will admit that I don’t use it as often as I thought I would. I am not great at creating images that make a pretty and cohesive feed. Also, Instagram doesn’t make it easy for you to post essays, and writing has always been where my heart is. Now that we are in the time of Covid-19 and quarantine, I have been sharing more of my thoughts and feelings and a few friends suggested I take my writing more seriously. So here I am!
When you start a blog, the pros all say that you should have a theme but I had no clue what mine should be as I have so many diverse interests. Crafting? Education? Body positivity? Mom life? Mental health? Then I realized that perhaps I don’t have to choose! My page can be as diverse as I am! I hope that works out.
The Infinite Iris 