If you follow me on instagram, you may know that I have recently been exploring the possibility that I am Autistic. It feels strange at 40 to be looking at yourself with a whole new lens. In some ways, it has been super healing. But in others, it has been heavy. I do plan to pursue a formal diagnosis, but in the meantime, I have been spending a lot of time researching and consuming content on late diagnosed, high masking ASD women. It made me feel compelled to add my own voice, and yet at the same time I worry that without a formal diagnosis, I don’t have a right to an opinion in this space. It is strange to have felt like I didn’t fit in my entire life, and when I finally discover why, I don’t fully feel like I fit in with that community either.
There have been a lot of ‘aha’ moments in this journey. And a lot of confusion. On the one hand, I have never struggled with empathy (I feel too much of it most of the time) and I love sarcasm. I have never felt like I struggle with abstract meanings. I have an English degree and a love of poetry. These ‘facts’ make me question if I am on the right track. But then I thought about how a couple of years ago I got emotional thinking about how I wished I knew how to ‘say the right thing’. I have a history of oversharing and not knowing where to draw the line. I have been so jealous of people who seem to know exactly when to share and how much. I have wondered how people instinctively know these things. I find myself getting excited when I meet new people because I haven’t “messed it up” yet and wondering how long I will be able to manage before I let it slip and say something I never should have said and will forever wish I could take back. It was a very recent revelation that social difficulties do not all look the same and that my struggles may not be what I see most commonly discussed, but they are just as valid.
I am going to explore more details in a future post about why I think I am Autistic, why I went undiagnosed, and how that has impacted who I am today. But for now, I want to take a moment to remind anyone out there who is exploring a late diagnosis, you are not alone. It feels really vulnerable right now to add my voice to this space when I am not yet diagnosed… to presume I have something new, valid, or important to share before I am even certain that I am Autistic. But I realized that if I am in this space, others surely are, too. I am not writing as an authority but as a human with my own lived experience, trying to carve out a space for myself and others who are existing in the limbo between presuming late diagnosed Autism and confirmation one way or the other. And if sharing where I am at resonates with even one other person, this risk was worth it. We can and should show up wherever we are in the journey. Exploring and questioning is all part of this process, and in this moment, I am trying to let that be enough.
The Infinite Iris 